I cursed a blue streak this morning. I’m not quite sure what came over me. Perhaps it is related to the fact that my left ovary woke me up at 5:00 this morning; the pain shooting all the way down to my knee, for Pete’s sake. The ol’ hormonal roller coaster of my advancing years is…notably more intense than I’d anticipated. Or maybe I can blame Microsoft for making things so danged convoluted. I am convinced that they are conspiring to drive the average person insane so they can take over the world.
Yes, indeedy, boys and girls. I swore at my computer. And not just a simple slip; an “oops, did I really say that?” moment. No, I called it vile names and accused its motherboard of demeaning acts. Microsoft was told in no uncertain terms where to go. ‘Bombs’ were dropping like rain in the Pacific Northwest. And I am ashamed to admit that my Lord’s name got caught up somewhere in my tirade. (No children were harmed in the making of this tantrum. They were thankfully in another part of the house.)
When the rage burned itself out, I was embarrassed. Even in the midst of it I knew it was totally uncalled for and unbecoming. I did it anyway. And I was left shaking my head wondering, “What the heck happened there?”
I envisioned myself ‘running the race’, as Paul put it. Just running along minding my own business, then a small slip. In slow motion, I’m flailing, falling, swearing like a logger. The other runners look on in horror as the words keep flowing from my lips like a broken sewage pipe…
I fear that I will be that sweet little church lady someday who says shocking things in the nursing home. Losing all ability to filter, this is the vileness that will spill forth.
Lord, help me.
I’ve been praying for a couple of days regarding what to write about to wrap up the year 2013. I started this blog last January, and as I pondered my outburst this morning, I realize that the benefits of writing are more profound than I ever dreamed.
You see, it would be really easy for me to have gotten completely derailed spiritually this morning. To spend the remainder of my day mentally castigating myself for my sinful behavior. It would be so easy to let the inner critic rule the day.
“Some Christian you are!”
“If your homeschool/church friends heard you this morning, you’d be kicked out of…”
“Why try? You know you’ll simply fail. You suck.”
“Boy, Jesus must be pretty torqued at you right now!”
As those very sentiments began to play like a bad recording in my brain, I remembered all of the other things the Lord has been teaching me this past year.
There is nothing I can do, or not do, that will make my Creator love me any more or any less than He does right now.
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, indeed, He is faithful to forgive all my sins.
His tender mercies are new every morning. (Hopefully every minute!)
Because of Jesus, I am seen as already complete and without blemish. Even when I royally flub it.
I won’t always have to struggle with this costume of mine, praise God!
As those remembrances crowded out the inner critic’s voice, I realized that this is what building standing stones is all about. It is about having those tangible reminders that we are growing, that we are changing, that our Lord is indeed working on us. And to be able to see those reminders when we need them most. When we make complete fools of ourselves and allow the costume to run the show.
So, my friends, as the ‘Year of the Great Blog Launch’ comes to a close, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy days to share life with me. I am humbled and awed at the many comments and words of encouragement I have received. Those are what have kept me writing. And writing, I’m finding, is what is helping me to stay the course and continue running the race even when I have an epic stumble.
Grace and peace to you my brothers and sisters. Have a blessed New Year!